This April, I am participating in Susannah Conway’s April Love, a month of love letters. Using her predetermined prompts, I’ll be writing a love letter to an aspect of my life every day (well, maybe) in the month of April. Thanks for tagging along!
You are a relief.
I do not need to work hard in order to feel grateful for you. I experience an overwhelming rush of gratitude each morning when I open my eyes. I’d love to pretend that this is because I am some zen master of gratitude, serenely thankful for each new day, but that would not be the truth. The reality of this daily appreciation is a little more… well, depressing. The intrusive thoughts and irrational fears which are a hallmark of my anxiety disorder, seem to retreat in the light of day. It’s funny, in a way. There is some beautiful metaphor in the fact that my anxious mind cannot survive the scrutiny of daylight. All the inconsistencies and improbabilities are exposed. However, when night falls, my anxious mind takes over. Nights are not relaxing for me. Evenings are unnerving at best, terrifying at worst. Even on my best days, my nights are fraught with tension. While most people are relaxing and unwinding after a long day, I am frantically trying to give slack to an ever tensing mind, for fear that it will snap.
Morning means I made it. Morning means that we are all still here, alive and healthy.
Every morning is a victory.
I hope, some day, that I can appreciate you differently. I hope my gratitude for morning loses its tone of relief. Perhaps one day I will wake up and give thanks for the break of a new day, for no other reason than that I am excited to live it, and not because I am relieved to have made it.
Either way, it’s gratitude, and I suppose gratitude in an off kilter way, is better than none at all. Right?
See you tomorrow,