Capture Your Grief, Day 2 – Intention

Here’s a funny thing… When I am doing prompted writing, what I often do is read the prompt during the morning, so that I can noodle on it throughout the day. Today, however, I was so unbelievably busy that it never occurred to me to check the prompt.

After my busy and productive day, I came home to eat a quick dinner and get ready to head off to a 2 hour yoga and crystal bowl meditation class that I’d registered and prepaid for. My youngest son has been seeming like he might be coming down with something since this morning, and of course, right before I left for yoga, I noticed that his cheeks were flushed. I took his temperature and- 101.4. Now, before I go on, you need to understand something. Since the day that my youngest son was born, since literally the moment they placed him in my arms, I have been terrified of losing him. My Postpartum Anxiety has always been squared, almost entirely, on him. Some days it is more consuming than others. Unfortunately, today it was consuming. All I wanted to do was stay home. Already dressed in my workout clothes, gym bag packed, all I could think about was staying home to take care of my baby.

Was he in dire condition? No. He was eating dinner sweetly and chatting away.

Was I leaving him with someone incapable of caring for him? Definitely no. I was leaving him with my exceedingly capable husband.

Was I leaving for a very long time? Nope, 2 hours. Down the street.

You see where this is going. Luckily, so did I. Despite my anxious brain screaming at me, I administered a dose of Children’s Motrin, added 1 forehead kiss and headed off to yoga. The problem was, I was anxious. I was fighting it, sure, but I was anxious still. My mind was racing. I kept having alarming intrusive thoughts. I was just not able to settle in.

After everyone had arrived, our instructor invited us to set an intention by asking ourselves “Why am I here?” It was in that moment that I realized that my intention was intention. I had made it as far as yoga class, despite the anxiety that was brought on by my son catching a cold. I had already achieved that much. I was following through with an intention, but I wanted more than to just be physically there. I wanted to be mentally and spiritually present, as well. So, I resolved that my intention would be intention. I would breathe with intention. I would practice each posture with intention. I would be present and conscious for the entire practice. Now, I would be lying if I said that I was perfect in this, but I did commit. Whenever my mind began to wander, whether to aimless thought or to anxious worries, I simply returned to my breath with intention, and came back.

When the 2 hours was up, I felt triumphant. Not only was I rejuvenated and relaxed from 2 hours of yoga and meditation, but I felt like the victor on a field of battle. I did not succumb to anxiety. I did something with intention, despite my anxiety.

As I was packing up my bag to leave, I decided to jump on my phone in order to check the prompt for today, so I could think about it while I drove home. Imagine my surprise when, second in line on my list of 31 prompts, was this one little word- Intention.

Huh, how ’bout that?

Good night, friends.

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