I am a voracious reader. Well, truthfully, I am a voracious listener. I usually cannot choose between reading and knitting, so I do both, via audiobook. Though I greatly appreciate the multitasking capability that audiobooks have made available to me, I still love the way a real book feels in my hands and so, in between my audiobooks and knitting, I can often be found with my nose buried in a real book. Our home library is a testament to that love.
This year, one hardcover in particular had a huge impact on me. It was just a few days after we said goodbye to Clara, and I decided to pick up a Frank Tallis novel that I’d been trying to read, A Death in Vienna (I do love a good turn of the century mystery). I had actually tried to start reading this book in the clinic, while recovering from my surgical abortion, because I was sick with grief and thought that I could actually read a book while coming out of anesthesia and pain medication. I must have stumbled through the first page half a hundred times while laying on a cot in the recovery room, Legally Blonde playing on a corner-mounted television. It was a frivolous attempt. Grief is funny that way.
Anyway, I began to read the book in earnest a few days later and on the 10th page, I met the apparent love interest of the main character, named – Clara. I’d never read the name before. I had no idea that any of the characters had her name, and we’d decided on that name for our Clara, long before my reading this book. Her name jumped off the page. It felt like a “Hello”. It felt like she was telling me that she was okay, that she loved us. It felt like she understood.
I must have wept for hours.
I thanked her. I felt her hands on my heart and, grateful for her comfort, I wept. I knew in that moment that I would see her again someday, though I’ve got a life to live here first. I think she understands that, and we can wait. We’ve got an eternity of time ahead of us.
Love you, sweet girl.